The Northerner’s Guide to Surviving Winter

I know I am a little late this year with my annual Northerner’s Guide to Surviving Winter for the Southerner, but in the midst of the schools already closing tonight due to it being projected to be below freezing tomorrow, the time just seems right. Not that I typically need a special occasion to feel intellectually superior to others (I’m kind of kidding, but only if you’re offended), but every year around the holiday season, my current choice of geographical region neatly wraps and delivers those people who are ill-equipped to survive the winter without incident. Don’t get me wrong; I love your sweet tea, polite strangers, the ability to swim in May without getting hypothermia, thank you cards and many of your other Southern charms, but in winter, it is all I can do to shake my head in shear disappointment.

I want to start off with a bit of reassurance that it is possible to survive in temperatures below 32 degrees, even in the South. It is really not necessary to close down every business, cancel all events that may cause one to leave one’s house, and go all “Doomsday Preppers” in the grocery store as if you will never be able to leave again when there is not even a chance of winter precipitation (I’ll get to that in a minute). I realize that for most of the people who know me, the next few sentences may seem hypocritical as I have been known to sport flip flops and am notorious for not wearing a coat, but remember I am a winter professional. This advice is for amateurs. Do not try this at home. If you wear the appropriate winter attire (a hat or something to cover at least your ears, gloves, a winter coat, boots or shoes, socks and something other than a t-shirt and leggings and maybe throw on some long underwear under your regular clothing if it is particularly cold or windy), you and your dependents will survive waiting 5 minutes at the bus stop or your 30 second walk from the parking lot to work if your employer does not cancel for the next week because there is a 10% chance of snow one day. I am not going to waste time discussing what to look for in a winter coat – I see most of you break out your Columbia parkas when it dips below 60 so we’re good here. But those things are meant to withstand colder temperatures that we will ever reach here so it is ok to leave your house if you have to during the winter months. 

If you do find yourself having to leave your home and encountering some of the white stuff while you are operating a vehicle, do not panic. Believe it or not, most vehicles were meant to withstand weather other than sun. I’ve compiled a comprehensive list of driving tips, in no particular order, that may assist you with such a task and also prevents me from being visually and intellectually assaulted by watching you Darwin yourself right off the road and possibly the planet.

1. Clear off your entire car before you attempt to drive it. This includes not only the windshields and the windows, but your headlights, taillights and the roof or you’re going to be in for a fun surprise as soon as your touch those breaks. Also, it is typically helpful for other cars to be able see when you are slowing down or turning (which I why I suspect they outfit vehicles with various illuminating indicators in the first place). 

2. Warm up your car before you drive it. This will not only prevent unnecessary wear and tear on your engine, it helps to melt snow and ice that may be caked to your vehicle. Use your rear defroster too. That’s the button with the squiggly lines with is usually located on the dash around the red glow of the familiar hazard triangle that all Southerners love to utilize in excess. 

3. Turn on your lights when it is snowing. Snow is precipitation just like rain (only more solid) so it makes sense that if you turn on your headlights when it is raining, you would do the same with snow. Lights also aid you to be able to see when there is less visibility, but also help other cars to see you. Remember that those other people driving other cards may not have the privilege of being friends with me or common sense so it is best to do everything you can to overcompensate. And this does not mean your high beams. Just like in fog, if you turn those on even at night while it is snowing, the reflection off the falling snow could blind you and cause you to drive even worse.

4. Use your hazard lights appropriately. Where I do appreciate the warning you are trying to give to everyone, since we are South of the Mason-Dixon Line, I have already assumed that almost every vehicle is a constant moving hazard during the months of December through February so there is no need to keep them on for your entire trip. This can be confusing to other drivers as hazard lights are typically used to signal an acute hazard (like having to slow down quickly or unexpectedly) or a disabled vehicle. In the snow, mostly everyone who wants to survive will be driving lower than the posted speed limit so there is really no reason that you need to signal this consistently for 80 miles. 

5. Pick the lane furthest to the right that is traveling at a speed you feel comfortable with and stay in it. This will allow other people, such as those with a death wish and we winter professionals to pass you in the event that we are one flicker away from an epileptic seizure from watching your hazards blink on and off for the last 2 hours. If you must change lanes, please do not do it going up a hill, on a bridge, or directly next to another car. Just trust me on this one. I assume explaining the laws of physics would be futile at this point. Follow the car in front of you (unless they are not following any of these rules). It is easier to drive in someone else’s forged tire tracks than to try and carve out your own. And stay in the designated lanes. There is no need to turn a 4 lane highway into a 2 lane road because you are choosing to drive in between lanes. If you observe the rest of these rules, there is no reason you should need to take up 2 full lanes to drive your economy vehicle to your desired destination. 

6. Do not slam on your breaks. The roads are slippery and your tires do not grip the same way so you will slide. Pump your breaks in the event that you need to stop or slow down (this means allowing yourself a greater distance between you and the car in front of you so you have the luxury to do so). This should bring you some comfort as this action will cause your break lights to flash just as if your hazards were on. You can also downshift (yes, even in an automatic) to a lower gear that will allow you more control over the vehicle on icy roads. 

7. Avoid hitting chunks on the road with your car. There is no guarantee that these are made of snow; they could be solid ice and that will not fare well for your vehicle, no matter now indestructible it appears to be. Remember, Leo froze to death so you could learn this lesson the easy way.

May the odds be ever if your favor.