I know I am a little late this year with my annual Northerner’s Guide to Surviving Winter for
the Southerner, but in the midst of the schools already closing tonight due
to it being projected to be below freezing tomorrow, the time just seems
right. Not that I typically need a special occasion to feel intellectually superior
to others (I’m kind of kidding, but only if you’re offended), but every year
around the holiday season, my current choice of geographical region neatly
wraps and delivers those people who are ill-equipped to survive the winter
without incident. Don’t get me wrong; I love your sweet tea, polite strangers, the
ability to swim in May without getting hypothermia, thank you cards and many of
your other Southern charms, but in winter, it is all I can do to shake my head
in shear disappointment.
I want to start off with a bit of reassurance that it is
possible to survive in temperatures below 32 degrees, even in the South. It is
really not necessary to close down every business, cancel all events that may
cause one to leave one’s house, and go all “Doomsday Preppers” in the grocery
store as if you will never be able to leave again when there is not even a
chance of winter precipitation (I’ll get to that in a minute). I realize that
for most of the people who know me, the next few sentences may seem hypocritical
as I have been known to sport flip flops and am notorious for not wearing a
coat, but remember I am a winter professional. This advice is for amateurs. Do not try this at
home. If you wear the appropriate winter attire (a hat or something to cover at
least your ears, gloves, a winter coat, boots or shoes, socks and something other
than a t-shirt and leggings and maybe throw on some long underwear under your
regular clothing if it is particularly cold or windy), you and your dependents
will survive waiting 5 minutes at the bus stop or your 30 second walk from the
parking lot to work if your employer does not cancel for the next week because
there is a 10% chance of snow one day. I am not going to waste time discussing
what to look for in a winter coat – I see most of you break out your Columbia
parkas when it dips below 60 so we’re good here. But those things are meant to
withstand colder temperatures that we will ever reach here so it is ok to leave
your house if you have to during the winter months.
If you do find yourself having to leave your home and encountering
some of the white stuff while you are operating a vehicle, do not panic. Believe
it or not, most vehicles were meant to withstand weather other than sun. I’ve
compiled a comprehensive list of driving tips, in no particular order, that may
assist you with such a task and also prevents me from being visually and
intellectually assaulted by watching you Darwin yourself right off the road and
possibly the planet.
1. Clear off your entire car before you attempt to drive it.
This includes not only the windshields and the windows, but your headlights,
taillights and the roof or you’re going to be in for a fun surprise as soon as
your touch those breaks. Also, it is typically helpful for other cars to be
able see when you are slowing down or turning (which I why I suspect they
outfit vehicles with various illuminating indicators in the first place).
2. Warm up your car before you drive it. This will not only
prevent unnecessary wear and tear on your engine, it helps to melt snow and ice
that may be caked to your vehicle. Use your rear defroster too. That’s the
button with the squiggly lines with is usually located on the dash around the red
glow of the familiar hazard triangle that all Southerners love to utilize in
excess.
3. Turn on your lights when it is snowing. Snow is precipitation
just like rain (only more solid) so it makes sense that if you turn on your
headlights when it is raining, you would do the same with snow. Lights also aid
you to be able to see when there is less visibility, but also help other cars
to see you. Remember that those other people driving other cards may not have
the privilege of being friends with me or common sense so it is best to do
everything you can to overcompensate. And this does not mean your high beams. Just like in fog, if you turn those on even at night while it is snowing, the reflection off the falling snow could blind you and cause you to drive even worse.
4. Use your hazard lights appropriately. Where I do
appreciate the warning you are trying to give to everyone, since we are South
of the Mason-Dixon Line, I have already assumed that almost every vehicle is a
constant moving hazard during the months of December through February so there is
no need to keep them on for your entire trip. This can be confusing to other drivers as hazard
lights are typically used to signal an acute hazard (like having to slow down
quickly or unexpectedly) or a disabled vehicle. In the snow, mostly everyone
who wants to survive will be driving lower than the posted speed limit so there
is really no reason that you need to signal this consistently for 80 miles.
5. Pick the lane furthest to the right that is traveling at
a speed you feel comfortable with and stay in it. This will allow other people,
such as those with a death wish and we winter professionals to pass you in the
event that we are one flicker away from an epileptic seizure from watching your
hazards blink on and off for the last 2 hours. If you must change lanes, please
do not do it going up a hill, on a bridge, or directly next to another car.
Just trust me on this one. I assume explaining
the laws of physics would be futile at this point. Follow the car in front of you (unless
they are not following any of these rules). It is easier to drive in someone
else’s forged tire tracks than to try and carve out your own. And stay in the
designated lanes. There is no need to turn a 4 lane highway into a 2 lane road
because you are choosing to drive in between lanes. If you observe the rest of
these rules, there is no reason you should need to take up 2 full lanes to
drive your economy vehicle to your desired destination.
6. Do not slam on your breaks. The roads are slippery and
your tires do not grip the same way so you will slide. Pump your breaks in the
event that you need to stop or slow down (this means allowing yourself a greater
distance between you and the car in front of you so you have the luxury to do
so). This should bring you some comfort as this action will cause your break
lights to flash just as if your hazards were on. You can also downshift (yes,
even in an automatic) to a lower gear that will allow you more control over the
vehicle on icy roads.
7. Avoid hitting chunks on the road with your car. There is
no guarantee that these are made of snow; they could be solid ice and that will
not fare well for your vehicle, no matter now indestructible it appears to be. Remember,
Leo froze to death so you could learn this lesson the easy way.
May the odds be ever if your favor.
May the odds be ever if your favor.
